Monday, October 15, 2012

October 15

Today is Infant and Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day.

1 in 4 women have had or will have a miscarriage at some point in her life.
I’m one of them.
You can read my story here.

It’s been over a year, but our lost baby will always be a part of our family.
Since I’m now on the other side of miscarriage, I thought I’d share some ways to help a friend through a loss. Most of these are based on things that happened to me in the days and weeks after my own.

Call, text, email. Even if it feels like you’re intruding. If she doesn’t want to talk, she won’t answer…just simply leave a message. I promise she’ll appreciate it.
Take a meal over.
Send a card.  I saved every single one of the cards and emails I received.
If she has other children, take them to the park or outside to play so that she can rest.
Clean her house, do a load or two of laundry, iron her husband’s work shirts. In the days following my miscarriage and D&C, I could barely get off the couch, let alone do anything productive for my family.

Do nothing. I know it’s awkward and sometimes people just don’t know what to say, but from the perspective of the parents facing the loss, it hurts to not hear from a family member or friend.
Say things like, “It wasn’t meant to be,” or “These things happen for a reason.” These are neither helpful nor what she needs to hear. I remember telling Shawn that if I heard one more person say these things to me, I was going to lose my mind.
Say, “You’ll get pregnant again,” or “You’ll have other children.” Quite honestly, in that moment, the mom isn't thinking about future pregnancies - she only cares about the one she just lost.
Don’t try to offer answers, reasons, or solutions because really, there are none. Just listen. Sit quietly, pray for your friend, hug her.

In the last year, I've been able to use what happened to us to help other women who've been in the same place I was.  I'm heartbroken and cry for them when I hear their stories.

If you know me or read my blog, you know that I am pregnant again. 
But I won't lie - it doesn't replace the baby we lost or lessen his or her memory.
God knows the story He has for our family.
And it's going to be a pretty good one.

If you have lost a baby, please know that I am thinking of and praying for you on this day.


  1. Oh dear, I hope I didn't say one of those "dont's"! I am usually very careful with those things because I heard some pretty awful things when my MIL and my dad passed away. But just in case...if I said one of them I am sooooo sorry! :)

  2. Hello. I stumbled across your blog a few days ago when looking up having babies in Luxembourg. I'm due my second here in a few days.

    I am also one of the one in four, and have just clicked back to read your story. It never quite goes away does it, but I found blogging about it helped me.

    Congratulations on your new pregnancy - a healthy baby is worth the wait.

  3. T, as always.....well said.
    I, too, hope I wasn't one of those "don'ts." I usually think of the perfect thing to say/do.....about 48 hours too late. But you know what is in my heart for you and your loss. Jerry and I both have such love for you and this new life you are carrying. We can't wait for the newest addition to our family! LUV YOU!

  4. Thank you for this post... My cousin miscarried in June and I've had a card lying around the house ever since but I just don't know what to write... After reading your post, I think I'm just going to try and at least write something...